An Update on Our Family

For the last several years I have been immersed in the world of homeschooling the kids and keeping busy with church callings, family,  and life.   Blogging has taken a back burner and I've missed it.  With only two kids left at home now, though, I am feeling the call to blog again.   I've got lots of ideas and am trying to figure out the best way to bring this blog back to life. 

Is there anyone still out there?  It's been a long time since I've posted anything more than CFM printable or YW idea, so, before I delve any further,  I thought I'd give you a little update on our family first.   

My oldest, Spence, is 24-years-old.  He's had a rough road since his cancer diagnosis when he was 16, but he's doing okay now, figuring out his life, and living and working in Utah. 

My oldest daughter, Cami, is 22.   She served a mission in Lyon, France (2016-2018) and married her sweetheart in the SL Temple shortly after finishing her mission.   Her and her husband, Garrett, are going to school in Austin, Texas, where she still bakes cakes to earn money.   Our son-in-law served his mission in the Netherlands and is in medical school.  

My next daughter, Emma, is 19 and a freshman at BYU in Provo.  She is still figuring out what to major in and is working on her mission papers right now.    She loves singing and all things music and is the queen of making foods healthier.   

I've only got two kids left at home, both of whom I am still homeschooling.  

Adam is 17 and a junior in our family high school.   He runs cross country, plays rugby, and is a cookie baker extraordinaire.   He loves math and science, and is hoping to be an engineer someday.  

Ellie is 14 and a freshman in our family high school.    She sees the world through a creative lens and loves art, dance, and all animals.  I have no idea what she wants to be when she grows up, but I imagine it will be something that will either have something to do with animals or something that engages her creativity.  

What about me? 

I went through some rough years after Spencer's sickness.   I battled some PTSD and depression, gained a bunch of weight, and in general struggled with my physical and emotional health.   Somewhere along the way, I came out of the cloud, lost 50-lbs, and got my life to a better place.

And our family?    

After living in the DC area for nearly 20-years, we recently moved to the Philadelphia area for Glen's job.  It was a HUGE move for our family, but it was just the change of scenery that we all needed and we are enjoying being the new "kids" for now.   We have no idea how long we'll be here and anticipate that the next few years will likely bring more change and more moves.  I have mixed feelings about entering  this nomadic phase of life with the kids as old as they are. 

 

So, what do you think?   I'll keep posting the Come, Follow Me activity sheets, but are you interested in my thoughts on parenting adults and teens?   Do you want to hear about life?  Our travels?  My journey to health?  Are you interested in the occasional new recipe discovery?   Or are you done with blogs?   Should I create an Instagram page to keep you up to date and let you know when I post?    Now's your chance to tell me what you're looking for!   I look forward to hearing from you!

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How Our Humanitarian Trip to Africa Came to Be

For a long time, I've longed to take our family on a humanitarian trip.  I talked to friends and looked into many options over the years, but never found one that seemed like a good fit for our family. Then sometime last year I heard about an organization called, "Family Humanitarian."

Family Humanitarian was everything we were looking for.   They are not interested in just bandaid fixes that cover problems and don't do any real long-term good.  They strictly forbid their participants from bringing handouts and  they earnestly seek to work with local organizations and people to do projects that are sustainable and focus on education.   I loved the idea that we would be busy and engaged in doing and supporting a good cause, but in a way that did not harm the local economy or make the people we were serving more reliant on others.   The goal is education, health, and self-reliance.   Add to that that they are family friendly and include some cool sightseeing trips on the side, and it was the perfect balance of work and play we were looking for and we decided to go for it.  
Family Humanitarian offers a variety of options for locations and timing of  service expeditions.   With kids in college or working, one that hopes to leave on a mission at the end of the school year, and Glen with an intense job, we really felt like Christmas was the only option for timing for us.   Location wise we were drawn to Peru and Uganda with Uganda being our strong preference, but since only Peru had a scheduled expedition at Christmas, that's where we put our efforts.   We researched, discussed our budget and other considerations,  made the decision, and signed up.  But we were too late.   We had no idea that the trips filled so fast. 

 I had felt such strong impressions that our family needed to do this trip, it was discouraging to only be on the waiting list, but still we held out hope that something would work out.   In the meantime, we decided to keep our Christmas calendar completely open.  I didn't even buy the kids their tickets home from college, because I wanted to be sure about dates before committing to anything. 

Sure enough, somewhere along the way we were contacted and informed that, because there were so many people on the waiting list, that they were considering opening up another expedition or two at Christmastime.   We were totally thrilled when Uganda was mentioned as one of those potential add-on trips.  A trip to Guatemala was the first to get added.   We considered it, but reluctantly decided to wait to see if Uganda would open up too.  Eventually it did... but only if they could get the minimum number of participants to commit.  

At this point, the spiritual impression that this was something that our family needed to do had only grown stronger.   We jumped at the chance and hoped and prayed that other families would feel the same pull, so that the trip could happen.

We didn't hear officially that the trip was a go until mid-October, a fact which was frustrating to me as the planner and organizer of our family, but we were truly so excited that it was hard to focus on the frustrating aspect of it.  

At that point, it was full speed ahead with buying plane tickets, getting the right vaccinations, visas, preventative medications, etc...all with us living in different states.    Stay tuned for the next blogpost, which will be about some of those preparations...

Thoughts on Motherhood

It was over nineteen years ago, but I still remember well those first exhausted moments after the birth of my first child.   I snuggled him in my arms, so excited to meet him finally, and my heart was filled with a mixture of joy, awe, and  pure panic.  Mostly though I daydreamed about the future of our little family and I couldn’t wait to get to the bedtime stories, sloppy toddler kisses,  and the cookie baking.

 It didn't take too long though before motherhood started to get a little more complicated.  There were still the joys of sleepy snuggles, contagious baby giggles,  and the excitement of watching them grow and progress. But with those joys also came the challenges of painful ear infections,  toddler tantrums, and juggling the needs of two, then three, then four, then five children.  

Each of the five children that has come to our family has brought with them their own unique personality and set of joys and challenges.    I expected the zits and the hormones and the homework woes as they grew older, but having a child face an aggressive form of cancer and another child with frequent seizures definitely were not things I dreamt about  when I gazed  into the eyes of each our newborn children.   

I think each of us knows deep down inside that whenever life is overwhelming, we can turn to God and He will be there.   Sometimes, though,  when life is smoother sailing we let God slip to the back burner in the busyness that consumes our  day-to-day lives.  

I’ve shared this experience with you before, but  I think back to that morning in January almost three years ago.  I  was preparing a sacrament meeting talk and spent a couple of hours that day studying the scriptures and reading general conference talks.  Sometime during that study time,  I  suddenly became  so overwhelmed with the absolute knowledge that God loved me personally and was aware of me and family.  At the time I had  no  reason to think that that day would be any different than any other.  Yet God knew.  He knew the storm that laid before us and he, in a very real way,  spiritually prepared me for the earth shattering phone call we received just a few hours later that my sixteen-year-old son had leukemia.   And the news that came just a couple days after that that Glen had been laid off from his job.    

I often think back to that day and wonder how different those next several months could have been if I had not taken the time that morning to allow myself to listen to the message that God wanted me to hear.    What if I had skipped my scripture study and prayer time, as sometimes happens on busy days, and gone straight to chores and errands instead?   I have no doubt that eventually I still would have felt that comforting message, but how grateful I am to have had that comfort in my heart  from the earliest moments of that very difficult time in our lives.   

Elder Bednar said in a recent conference:  

"We are not and never need be alone. We can press forward in our daily lives with heavenly help. Through the Savior’s Atonement we can receive capacity and “strength beyond [our] own”  1

I testify that many times in our lives we have felt that strength beyond our own that comes from the Savior’s atonement.  

Elder Bednar continued ,

“There is no physical pain, no spiritual wound, no anguish of soul or heartache, no infirmity or weakness you or I ever confront in mortality that the Savior did not experience first. In a moment of weakness we may cry out, “No one knows what it is like. No one understands.”   But the Son of God perfectly knows and understands, for He has felt and borne our individual burdens. And because of His infinite and eternal sacrifice, He has perfect empathy and can extend to us His arm of mercy. He can reach out, touch, succor, heal, and strengthen us to be more than we could ever be and help us to do that which we could never do relying only upon our own power. Indeed, His yoke is easy and His burden is light. 1

I write this from the perspective of a mother, but  what a powerful message to each of us.  Whether we be a woman, man, teenager, or child...this message is universal.  God is with us.  He wants to take your burdens upon him.  We have but to find the quiet moments in our lives that we can turn our hearts to him and truly listen.   And as mothers (and fathers) we have a very real opportunity to help create those moments for our families.  

This quote from Sister Beck that illustrates this point perfectly:  

“Mothers who know do less. They permit less of what will not bear good fruit eternally. They allow less media in their homes, less distraction, less activity that draws their children away from their home. Mothers who know are willing to live on less and consume less of the world’s goods in order to spend more time with their children—more time eating together, more time working together, more time reading together, more time talking, laughing, singing, and exemplifying. These mothers choose carefully and do not try to choose it all. Their goal is to prepare a rising generation of children who will take the gospel of Jesus Christ into the entire world. Their goal is to prepare future fathers and mothers who will be builders of the Lord’s kingdom for the next 50 years. That is influence; that is power.”  2

How is easy it is to get caught up in trying to do more, to compare ourselves with others, and to let the meaning of our lives get lost in filling the slots on the calendar….when truly all we really need is less!   

A study at Harvard followed subjects for 75-years and found that future success and fulfillment  in life is not predictable based on income, intelligence, or education level, but rather on the positive connections an individual has with their families.  We would do better to eat dinner together as a family daily than to sign our kids up for yet another “enriching” activity that takes them away from home and will likely bear no impact on their future lives .  3

I will close today by inviting each of  us to remember the example of  Mary--the mother of our Lord Jesus Christ.  She knew from the beginning that her son was the son of God and had a glorious mission to fulfill and yet she did not allow that knowledge to overwhelm her into complacency.  She embraced her role as mother and loved him and taught him and helped raise him to be the Savior of the World.  

Even in the final moments of Christ’s life he spoke of his mother.  He never forgot, even in His anguish, the woman who cared for Him even before she could hold Him in her arms—the earthly mother who had prepared Him for a divine mission. 4

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Resources

1.  Bear Up Their Burdens with Ease by David A. Bednar

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2014/04/bear-up-their-burdens-with-ease?lang=eng

2.  Mothers Who Know by Julie Beck

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2007/10/mothers-who-know?lang=eng

3. The 75-year study that found the secrets to a fulfilling life:  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/08/11/how-this-harvard-psycholo_n_3727229.html

4.  Motherhood

http://motherhood.mormon.org

simplifying

When, recently, I raised my hand and  shared some of the following ideas in a  time management class at Women's Conference, I was surprised at the huge response there was to some of the ideas I shared..... After the class a working single mother told me of her struggles of making sure that she had enough time with her kids in the evenings.  Another told me about how she worried that her grandchildren were being so overwhelmed with evening activities that she was concerned for their family's well being.  In short, I got comment after comment about how overwhelmed their families were with trying to do it all and how intrigued they were with our balanced and simplified approach of helping our kids TO BE instead of TO DO (I love that general conference talk). 


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A few years ago we were overwhelmed and running a million miles an hour almost every day of the week.  It was to the point where we were eating dinner later and later in the evening (often fast food),  our scripture study was suffering, and we were all exhausted.  And the weekends were even worse.  Saturdays were spent trying to cram all of our yard work, attending the temple together, doing our chores, and the kids' activities all into one single day.  In addition to dreading Saturdays with every fiber of my being, I would often end the weekend far more stressed at what hadn't gotten done that what actually had. 

Somewhere in that stressed out/ zombie period of my life, I realized that there was one big common factor in all this overscheduling....our kids' participation in community sports.  With five kids, it was taking over our lives.   Not only were the practices right smack  in the middle of dinner hour scattered all over town during rush hour,  but the Saturday games at variable times and places through the day were the main culprit for our weekend craziness as well. 

Finally, I asked myself what it was all for. 

Yes, I wanted my kids to BE fit.  But, seriously,  who the heck grows up to play soccer or tee-ball as a way to stay fit as an adult anyway? 

Yes, I wanted my kids to learn to BE a good sportsman.  But was getting yet another  trophy to clutter up the shelf with after  every single season, no matter the team's skills, really the sportsman message I wanted them to learn? 

Yes, I wanted my kids to have experiences that challenged them and helped them to grow.  But, was it worth it at the expense of having a stressed out family that barely spent any time together? 

No, no, and NO. 

And with that resounding NO in our heads, we simply asked ourselves, what do most adults do to stay fit?   

With the answer to that question...walking, running, riding bikes, rollerblading, going to the gym, and playing tennis...we started simplifying.    It has been a gradual transition, but over time we have moved away from enrolling our kids in community sports very often and have instead sought out opportunities for them that we feel will be far more valuable in helping them to develop into fit, strong, and confident adults  than several seasons of soccer participation ever could. 

How has it gone? 

Two words:  LIFE CHANGING! 

Emma and Adam take group tennis lessons...at the same time, at a nearby park, with an experienced teacher.    Two kids at once.....AWESOME! 

Emma and Adam also participate in the school's after-school track program.  Not only is it totally free, but it's super fun, excellent exercise, and it's also a great social experience for them running with their friends.   Of course, I also love that I only have to drive one way and since it's at the school, it's very close to home. Once again, I like the two-for-one aspect of it and I love that this is also a bonding experience for them. 

Ellie participates in our ward soccer league.  It's light-hearted, fun, extremely inexpensive ($10 per season vs $100+ for the community leagues) and it's at the same time, same place every Saturday morning.  The varying game schedules of most community sports has always been the biggest stressor in our weekend planning.  This will be Ellie's last year of being able to participate, but I figure that he will follow in Emma's footsteps and be a coach's assistant in the future (another valuable experience in an of itself).   Two for one again. 

We are far more flexible with our  high schoolers' participation in sports and allow them to choose whatever sport that interests them.  Spencer has  participated in football, winter track, and lacrosse.  Cami is participating in  cross country, track, and lacrosse.  Once again, since it's an after school sport it's only one way of driving and it's easier to find carpools.     

Of course, we're still busy, so what made all this  life-changing for us? 

In short, it is because we have reclaimed the dinner hour, we now spend far less of our evenings in the car,  AND  our Saturdays are manageable again.  All that and the kids are still having fun and are gaining fitness and social skills that will benefit them their whole lives.  Oh yeah and their mommy is a whole heck of a lot less stressed in the evenings....and that's got to count for at least double the points.  :) 

 We eat together, we talk together, we bond.   I believe with all my heart that although it's simple, a real family dinner eaten together is powerful and irreplaceable.   And guess what we do after dinner?  The kids jump on the trampoline together, or play a game, or we go on a walk to the local park.    More exercise, more time together, more bonding. 

I love it. 

And I also love what it's done to our Saturdays.  Our Saturdays are often still jam-packed, but they're a whole lot more flexible than they used to be and a lot more of our Saturdays are spent together as a family than they once were. 

Since I'm fully aware of the fact that there are people out there who find our stepping back from enrolling the kids in community sports to be almost heretical,  I just have to put it out there that I have no philosophical opposition to  kids participating in community sports.  My kids have participated in the past and will probably participate again in the future.   I do think, however, that our society places far too high a value on it and that when that participation is getting in the way of family peace and togetherness, that there are less disruptive ways to accomplish the same goals.

 It's been exactly what our family needed to help us focus on the things that matter most. 

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"...we would do well to slow down a little, proceed at the optimum speed for our circumstances, focus on the significant, lift up our eyes, and truly see the things that matter most. Let us be mindful of the foundational precepts our Heavenly Father has given to His children that will establish the basis of a rich and fruitful mortal life with promises of eternal happiness. They will teach us to do “all these things … in wisdom and order; for it is not requisite that [we] should run faster than [we have] strength. [But] it is expedient that [we] should be diligent, [and] thereby … win the prize.” 

Brothers and sisters, diligently doing the things that matter most will lead us to the Savior of the world. That is why “we talk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ, we prophesy of Christ, … that [we] may know to what source [we] may look for a remission of [our] sins.”  In the complexity, confusion, and rush of modern living, this is the “more excellent way.” ^" 

Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf

The Whys and Whats of Homeschooling for 8th Grade

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Over the last few years, I've had a lot of people ask me about our decision to homeschool our children for 8th grade.  It's a rather drastic choice and while most people have been supportive, it's also somewhat controversial.   Of course we did not endeavor into such a decision without a lot of research and prayer and over the course of the last few years we have felt very inspired that it is the right thing for our family.  Recently a friend of mine asked me some specific questions to help her as she decides whether to homeschool her own daughter for 8th grade and since  other people have been asking as well, I thought I'd compile a list of the things that I've been asked most frequently:  

 
Why 8th grade?
For a number of reasons, we felt like if we were only going to homeschool the kids for one year, then the eighth grade year was ideal.  My first main reason for this decision is that for the most part the year is off their high school record, so that I don't have to explain the holes in their transcript (see exception below) when they're applying to college.   Secondly, we felt like it was their one last year before heading off to the crazy world of high school, and we wanted to give them every opportunity to strengthen themselves within the walls of our home before then.  Lastly, both Spence and Cami had gone to their seventh grade year at middle school before homeschooling for 8th grade, and frankly for various reasons both of them were very excited to have a year "out of the system".   While neither one of them had had bad experiences, neither one of them were such fans of the middle school garbage that goes on either.  And that brings me to my last big reason...middle school is kind of  a yucky, transitional time in many kids' lives and once again, we felt that a year of a positive strengthening experiences in our home was infinitely better than the negative environment of a middle school. 

 Many people we've met in our homeschooling ventures, homeschool for all of middle school.   With our younger kids at home, we didn't feel like that was the right thing for our family, but now that my baby is in school, I may consider that for the future (if the younger kids are game for it). 

Doesn't the middle school need their positive influence?
Of course it does, BUT not at the detriment of tearing my kids down along with them.  Once again, we absolutely felt strongly that bringing them home for a year was  exactly the preparation they needed to be the best positive influences possible going forward into their high school years and beyond. 

My child doesn't want to homeschool, but I think it would be best.
I personally do not feel like it would be a very successful experience if your child is resistant to being homeschooled, even for just one year.  My advice is to suggest homeschooling as a possibility for a year or two in advance of when you're considering it, then take opportunities to regularly point out the fun advantages that homeschooling will offer them (field trips, no late night homework, etc). 

In addition, to increase their excitement level of staying home for a year, we also promised our kids a fun trip sometime during the year....a special trip that they wouldn't be able to do if they were in school.   Spencer went on a trip with my parents to the the Pacific Northwest through Seattle and into Canada.  Cami is heading to Denver in a couple of weeks with Glen...to visit his family and hopefully to catch  BYU in the basketball playoffs there.  

If despite your advance preparation and promise of something exciting, they are still resistant, then I would strongly advise you to reconsider your thought to homeschool.  Having a sullen, unhappy teenager at home for a year could be a very trying experience for both of you that may sabotage your efforts in strengthening them for the future.  If, however, you absolutely feel that it is the right thing to do despite their resistance, then I would plan on a month or two of decompressing and working on your relationship. 


I'm too busy, I'm not sure I can make it work.
I figure everything that keeps me busy...my church callings, PTA responsibilities, Ellie's health issues, etc....would be consuming my day regardless of whether I was homeschooling or not.  But if Cami were at school, my time with her would be short and rushed.   With her at home, in addition to her academic studies, she also gets some Real Life 101. 

My advice is to take a deep breath and be prepared to prioritize.  First off, while some people may argue with me, I do not feel like homeschooling should be designed to be just like a school day where they are trying to cram six subjects in a day, while you stressfully try to keep up with everything they're doing.  I firmly believe that one of the beauties of homeschooling is flexibility.  Math is something that needs to be done every day, or it can easily get away from you, but in my opinion, there is room for much flexibility in all the other subjects. 

When you think of all the down-time in a day of school...going from class to class, the teacher disciplining other students, taking attendance, the teacher answering questions that your child already understands...the actual amount of time spent learning is not that impressive.  I feel like Cami spending an hour-and-a-half doing her online, interactive science class geared to her specifically is every bit as effective (or more so) than 2-3 hour-and-a-half blocks of science per week at school. 


What about curriculum? 
There are a million things out there, but my strong suggestion is to not feel like you need to recreate the academic environment of school at home.  Take advantage of being at home and make it fun!  Math is math, but every other subject can be made exciting and interesting for both of you.  I won't go into great detail here (call or email if you have specific questions), but here are a few basic things to keep in mind. 

  1.  Homeschooling is not free or cheap, especially for teenagers.  You want them to have quality materials and exposure to uplifting ideals and you should expect it to be about as expensive as sending them to a cheap private school....but with a much more loving, committed teacher!  :)

  2.  I know I'm repeating myself now, but do NOT try to recreate school at home.  It will be too draining for both of you and will likely not be the fun, bonding year you're hoping to have.   Except for math, it is absolutely not necessary that they learn exactly what they would have had they been at school. 

  3.  Contact your high school and find out if there will be any potential conflicts with homeschooling for 8th grade.   Especially, discuss math, since many kids are taking high school level math by 8th grade.  Our high school needed to see Spence's Algebra work, in order for him to sign up for Algebra 2.  For this reason and because I was much more intimidated by teaching Geometry, we signed Cami up for a Geometry class at a local private homeschooling "school".  I liked that she was being taught by someone more knowledgeable than me and I appreciated that she would have a grade and plenty of proof (and proofs) to show the school.  

  4.  Network!  Before you even start homeschooling, find a local LDS homeschooling group, get on their email list, and start participating in their social activities.  As you go along, you will most likely discover amazing moms who teach classes to other homeschoolers.  My kids have participated in Shakespeare, Statesman, and cooking classes this way.  It's great for them socially, good for you to have someone to bounce ideas off of,  and also great for supplementing the curriculum. 

  5.  In order to ensure that their homeschooling day doesn't dissolve into time wasting, we make the hours that they would normally be at school (8-3) a time set aside for their development....without TV, computer, or sometimes even pleasure reading since I have a few bookworms.   It doesn't necessarily that that block of time is super structured the whole time, but I want them to understand that their time at home is meant for  their strengthening and development, not to have extra time to waste. 


What are some of the coolest parts about homeschooling?
This list could be a mile long, but here are a few of my favorites:

  Low stress.  No more staying up until the wee hours trying to get a project done.  With even a somewhat concerted effort, they can easily complete all their work in a couple of hours each day, leaving the rest of the day open for developing talents, friendships, reading, helping around the house, exercising, etc. 

  Developing talents:  This is one of my favorite parts about homeschooling...the opportunity to explore their talents like music, cooking, sewing, etc. in much greater depth than they could if they were bogged down with a full day of school and the ensuing homework. 

  Working on goals:  Along the same lines as the previous  one, when their school work is all done in the first few hours of the day, guess who has plenty of time to work on Personal Progress, merit badges for Scouts, and any other goals they have set for themselves?  No more excuses! 

  Specific training:  You really want to teach them about how to balance a checkbook or make and keep a budget or learn how to plan a well-rounded menu and haven't had time yet?  Homeschooling provides the perfect opportunity to sneak in teaching about all those practical skills you've been meaning to teach them, but struggle to find the time for during the school year. 

  Family relationships strengthened:  I love to see the special bond my 8th graders develop with their younger siblings during this time at home.  The bond is not only between them and any preschoolers that happen to be home with them, but because their lives are less stressful and jam packed than previously, they also have more to give to their other siblings as well.  It really has been a wonderful blessing to our whole family. 

In addition, there's also the bond between parent/child that invariably is strengthened as well.  Part of it's just the sheer quantity of time spent together, but it's also the special little things that we do together through the year...the Friday lunches out, the inside jokes, the shared dinner preparations, and the fun shared experiences. 


What are some of the disadvantages of homeschooling for a year?  
Probably the hardest part of it for me is the lifestyle change that it entails.  I was used to having preschoolers around all day, but it's totally different dynamics with a teenager in the house.  In many aspects it's easier than having a preschooler, because they can be left alone for a time, they're a little more self-motivated than a preschooler, and don't need to be entertained all day.  On the other hand, teenagers don't take naps or go on playdates and it sometimes can be draining to have them there all the time.  On the flip side, it could be just as challenging, if not more so, for the teenager who is suddenly at home all the time.  I suggest finding social groups and classes to get the involved in, for your sanity and theirs.  

What about sports?
Our district does not offer middle school sports anyway, so this was not an issue for us.  We just had them participate in the community sports' leagues. 

What would you change?
Not much....maybe go on more field trips and be better organized. 

Any last words of wisdom? 
Be prayerful, be prepared,  be flexible, and have fun! 



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10 Commandments of Raising Independent and Responsible Children

Lately, I've been growing every more concerned about whether we, as parents, are doing enough to instill a sense of independence and responsibility in our children.  I worry about my older children growing ever closer to adulthood, and whether we've given them enough opportunities to develop responsibility and independence in the safe environment of home.  And I also worry about how easy it is to swoop in and do things for them that they could be doing themselves, just because we're in a hurry...which is always. 

This list encapsulates what I feel is most important in helping kids to develop into happy, responsible individuals.  I'm not perfect at all of them or any of them for that matter, but it is my hope that by writing down my ideas all in one place that it will help me to keep improving. 

1.  Thou shalt let children experience real-life consequences.  Of course, you need to keep your children safe from danger, but whenever possible let them experience natural consequences.  If they don't eat their dinner.  Don't give them extra graham crackers and string cheese an hour later.  Let them be hungry (or if you really can't do that, then offer them a simple, non-exciting snack (like an apple or banana) before bed).  They will certainly not die or faint and they will learn eventually that dinner is the time to eat.

2.  Thou shalt not be a helicopter parent, always hovering over your kids.   Kids need space to try new things.  They may struggle with it at first, especially if they're used to you always hovering over them, but in the end giving them the opportunity to try and succeed (or fail) is far more valuable than your omni-presence. Push them for a few minutes on the swing and walk away and watch from a distance.   Maybe they'll jump off and run to sandbox.  Maybe they'll turn and swing on their belly.  Maybe they'll make a new friend, but in any case how will you ever know if you sit there and push them for half-an-hour straight? 

3.  Thou shalt not jump into save them whenever they struggle.  This is huge. I think as parents we are naturally protective of our children and don't want them to experience failure or embarrassment, but if we jump into save them every time they struggle children inadvertently learn that they are incapable of solving their own problems.  That means that parents shouldn't do their projects for them so they can sleep longer and get a better grade.  Don't run their homework to school for them.  A poor grade or an embarrassing lecture from the teacher is far more educational than them thinking that their half-hearted efforts are good enough for an 'A'. 

4.  Thou shalt take the time to teach them well, then stand back and let them try.   Sometimes I think it's easy for us as parents to just do the simple things for our kids, just because it's easier.   But think of time spent teaching as an investment.  The time we take to teach them to do things right--wiping their own bum, washing their hands, buckling their seatbelts, making their own bed, tying their shoes, pumping a swing, making a budget, etc.--is our future time that we save from not having to do it for them.  As a bonus, kids get the sense of accomplishment and confidence from doing it themselves. 

5.  Thou shalt not underestimate their abilities or second guess them.  As parents, it's way too easy to undermine our efforts in teaching them to be independent and responsible individuals by always second guessing or doubting their decisions.  Do you find yourself criticizing their clothing choices?  Or how long their hair is?  Or which shoes they want to buy?  Or which happy meal they choose?  Let them express their decision and as long as it's not dangerous (or immodest or inappropriate) go with it and don't say a word.  Yes, that may mean they wear an ugly outfit on picture day.  Or have shaggy looking hair for a while.  But when we express our doubts on these unimportant matters we are conveying to them the subconscious message that they're not good enough to make their own decisions, not to mention that we're making it harder for ourselves when, in the future, we do have legitimate input on important decisions. 

6.  Thou shalt create safe opportunities for them to stretch themselves.  This can be as easy as letting your child tie their own shoes in a non-hurried atmosphere or allowing them to tell the waiter what they would like to order at a restaurant.  Or it can be as complex as helping your teen make a budget.  The more practice (and successes) they can experience in a safe, non-stressful environment, the more prepared they will be for real-life experiences.  


7.  Thou shalt not yell or scream when they fail.   You should never make developing a new skill or taking on responsibility a negative experience.  Speak calmly and patiently to them when they are trying out some new skill and while you don't want to save them too quickly, you also don't want to let it escalate into a power struggle. 

8.  Thou shalt let them make decisions on a daily basis.  This can be hard for some parents, but I believe that simple daily decisions from a very early age (like picking their own clothes or which book to read) are so important for them in developing confidence as an independent individual.  That means giving them simple guidelines, like that their clothes be clean and modest, and then keeping your smirks at their crazy mismatched outfits to yourself. 

9.  Thou shalt give them loving encouragement and lend a helping hand when needed.  This isn't the swooping-in-from-the-sidelines-and-saving-them-kind-of-help, but rather about keeping it a positive experience.  If a child is clearly frustrated and failing despite their best efforts, try and turn it back into a positive.  Give them a refresher course on tying their shoe and let them run and play. 

10.   Thou shalt be consistent.  I believe that consistency is one of the most important elements in parenting in general, but especially in teaching kids to be happy, contributing, confident, responsible individuals.  If we only let them tie their own shoe once a week, then hurriedly do it for them the rest of the time, they're not really going to get the satisfaction of it being "their own thing".  We need to be patient with them (at all ages) while they're learning and then consistently expect them to do great things!

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Some ideas for things you can let your kids do themselves when developmentally appropriate:
(remember instructing them properly is vital for increasing their chance at successes)

Toddlers:  Wiping themselves, washing hands, simple chores, putting on their own shoes, dressing themselves (actually putting on their own clothes), letting them decide what to eat for breakfast, lunch, or snack, clearing their own dishes from the table after a meal
Preschoolers:  Getting their own drinks, pouring milk on their cereal, buckling up their own seatbelts, tying their shoes, zipping and buttoning their own clothes, making bed, folding towels and blankets, simple chores around the house, watering plants, let them tell the waiter what their order is (I have my kids do this from the time they can speak clearly (usually around age 4).  It's a safe way for them to start learning to interact with people outside the family)
School-Age:  keeping track of their own homework, checking the mail, preparing their own lunches, chores, making bed, teaching FHE lessons, cooking either treats or part of a meal, helping with a younger child, feeding a pet, weeding, letting them walk to the bus stop themselves (when old enough), ordering their own food at a restaurant
Teens:  managing their own money, keeping track of homework, more responsible chores, planning and teaching a FHE lesson, helping take care of younger child (babysitting), planning and making meals, laundry, heavy yard work like mowing and trimming, part-time jobs, letting them solve their own problems whenever possible

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Parenting Techno-Savvy Kids

Being the oldest of eight children, it is with great empathy that I understand well the plight of being the family guinea pig.  The death of many parenting ideals and theories landed squarely at my feet, while my younger siblings got to enjoy the advantage of more tried-and-true parenting methods.

As Spencer makes his way through the teen years, I feel like his guinea pig status is doubled that of what I experienced.  Not only have Glen and I never parented a teen before, but many of the challenges that this generation of teens are facing are unique in the history of the world.  There aren't  generations of wisdom behind us imparting their ideas of how to deal with texting, portals to the world in our living rooms (internet), and cell phones attached to their hips.  We are the guinea pig parents trying to figure out how to teach a generation of techno-savvy kids glued to gadgets we never even dreamed about in our youth.

I hate to start rambling on about when I was a kid, but here goes anyway.  I remember when I was a kid coming home after an activity and wondering IF someone had called me when I was out.  Now with caller id and cell phones, my kids don't have the experience of wondering, they already know.

 I remember poring over encyclopedias and spending hours in the library looking for just the right books for a research paper.  The other day I  had one of my kids ask me what an encyclopedia was.  They thought I was talking about Wikipedia.

And if I wanted to know what was up with one of my friends, I had to pick up a phone and call them or  even visit them in person *gasp*.   Now with  Facebook my kids know in a nutshell what every single one of their 537 friends' statuses are; the good, the bad, and the ugly.

So how can we, as parents, teach/help our teens (and pre-teens) to keep all this technology/instant gratification in a healthy balance?

It used to be that our homes were relative havens from the ills of the world.  Yeah, there was still the tv, video games, and radio that piped their influences into our homes, but compared to the portal of evil that is easily accessed by the internet, it paled in comparison.  Pornography, once a backstreet industry, is now stumbled across by innocent children and adults every day on the internet.  We have arrived to a place literally foretold in the scriptures, where good is called evil and evil is called good.

As evil influences march more boldly and directly into our daily lives, we need to be aware of the tools  that are out there, and be prepared to start utilizing them before we think our kids will need them.  It's time to step up our game as parents.

Here are some things to consider:

*  First and foremost, keep your computer in a well-trafficked, well-lit area of the home.  If you have laptops, make it a non-negotiable requirement that it be used in the public, well-trafficked parts of the home.  Our kids do not have their own computers, but if they did they would be on a strict check-in/check-out basis, so that their access would still be limited.   When laptops are not in use, keep them hidden away out-of-sight.

*  Make all your computers password protected (with a password your kids don't know) and then keep your computers locked every time they're not in use.  It's a bit of an inconvenience to have to unlock the computer every time you (or a child) needs to use the computer, but it is the single best thing we've ever done to keep our computer usage in control.

*  Parental controls on the computer:  Most PC's and Macs have parental control capabilities built into them and my advice is to use them from Day 1, long before your kids are cruising the internet.   Make the kids their own computer account (still password protected) where they will have maximum protection 100% of the time they're on the computer.

* A commercial web blocker.  There are many wonderful programs on the market, but we use Web Watcher and highly recommend it.   It's totally invisible on the computer, so there's no way for them to access it and change the settings themselves.  I love that in addition to its powerful content blocker (blocked by categories and alert words you choose yourself), you can also record chats, emails, and even keystrokes.   It even utilizes a "smart camera" where it will take screen shots  when certain websites are accessed.  At this point we rarely check the recorded data, but use it mainly for the content blocking, where in addition to blocking adult/gambling/weaponry/inappropriate websites, we also keep YouTube blocked, since we felt there was way too much unfiltered content available there.

* Cell phone parental controls:  I won't lie, there's not a whole lot available here.  The few things we did was to not buy a data plan.  We have the internet at home and felt like there's no good reason for kids to be perusing the internet when they're out of the house too.  Time away from home is the time to be active and be social and internet access does nothing to enhance those experiences.  The second thing we did was that we blocked picture mail completely from Spencer's phone (we did this by calling our cell phone provider).  We heard too many stories about sexting and people sending inappropriate images through cell phones, that we just felt like it was easier to block the capability altogether rather than to trying to keep up with monitoring what friends and acquaintances might send to him.   A friend of mine says that her cell phone company offers a way for the kids' phones to essentially turn off certain times of the day.  She sets it so that every night at 9:00pm her son can only receive calls or texts from the parent's home and cell numbers.  Sprint did not offer that service, or we probably would utilize that too.

* For cable and satellite TV, take the time to use the parental controls available.  Keep all movie and other questionable channels  blocked with password protection and DO NOT tell your kids the passwords.  It seems obvious, but I know way too many kids (as young as 4-years-old) who know their family's TV password and can access any channel they want.  We keep almost all of our channels blocked and change our password every few months to ensure that the kids haven't figured it out.  Again, the inconvenience of having to physically come and unlock a channel they want to watch is worth the peace of mind of knowing that when we're out of the house, they can't access the garbage.

*Video game systems have never been a big part of our children's lives, but I know they're very popular in a lot of people's homes.  It is my understanding that a lot of these video game systems now have interactive capabilities that gives them access to the internet as well as opportunities to network and chat with other gaming strangers.  You need to take the time to be aware of what your system can do and take the appropriate precautions to keep your kids safe there too.

While I believe that parental controls are invaluable tools in this new day and age, if nothing else to prevent most of the accidental garbage getting through, ultimately though the best thing we can do is to teach them well.  Talk to them frequently and with openness about the dangers they're facing.  Give them examples of situations they may face and talk them through what they can do.  And most of all, teach them to recognize and heed the spirit's promptings.  All the parental controls in the world installed at your house won't do a bit of good once they walk out your front door and sit down at a friend's computer.   They have to be educated.

We have to be educated.

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“Our youth … need the help of their parents in resisting [temptation]. They need a tremendous amount of self-control. They need the strength of good friends. They need prayer to fortify them against this flood tide of filth."  President Gordon B. Hinckley, “Great Shall Be the Peace of Thy Children,” Ensign, Nov. 2000, 51.

“I have commanded you to bring up your children in light and truth."  D & C 93:40

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