10 Commandments for Helping a Friend Going through a Hard Time

This is written from the perspective of someone who has a critically ill child, but I believe that most of what is written could be easily adapted to a person going through any kind of trial. 


1-Thou shalt look ahead and mark your calendars for ways to keep supporting them in their trial.  The later months in facing a trial can feel a lot lonelier than at the beginning.  Pick a date (ex. the 25th of every month) and make that your date to send a card, visit, bring a gift, etc. 

2-Thou shalt listen.  They may want to relive moments, talk incessantly about their trial, reminisce about better times, or just chat about the weather.  I used the blog as a way to get a lot of this stuff off my chest, but even still there were a few friends that got their ears talked off by my ramblings. 

3-Thou shalt be sincere.  Be careful not to shower them with blanket reassurances and tell them that you know everything is going to be okay. While it may seem like a nice thing to say,  those kind of hollow reassurances are empty.   They may very well have faith that everything will eventually be okay, but in the meantime no one really knows what "okay" means and a lot of crappy not-okay things may happen between now and the eventual okay.   Additionally, please don't say you understand what they're going through if you don't. 

4-Thou shalt be patient and not expect a timely response (or a response at all) to emails, phone calls, or cards, especially right at first.  Be patient and allow them time to adjust to their new situation. 

5-Thou shalt not be judgmental.  Everyone deals with stressful situations in their own way and the last thing someone needs who's going through a difficult trial, is someone telling them they're going about it incorrectly.   Some may be weepy and fearful, others may want to talk about it endlessly, others may be numb, and still others may be angry.    People deal differently and it's not anyone else's place to judge how they're dealing.  Of course, if you feel that there is true cause for concern in their behavior, then by all means take the necessary steps to help them.  But for most situations, accept that that's the way they're dealing and find ways to support them.    Additionally, telling someone that they're being heroic or super strong, while well-meaning can also be discouraging.  When someone is faced with a difficult situation, however well it may seem like they're dealing, they definitely still have their moments of weakness and are not setting out to be a hero.

6-Thou shalt not say "let me know what I can do to help" and expect them to call you.  Offer them specific and practical ways you can help them and tell them when you're available to do it.  Some practical ideas would be bringing them a meal (fresh or frozen for future use), a gift card to a favorite restaurant, mowing their lawn, babysitting their kids, offering rides, picking up items for them at the store, cleaning their house (or chipping in for a housecleaner), dropping off non-hospital food, etc.    Simple comfort items are also appreciated...an email with a favorite quote, a plate of goodies or homemade bread, a favorite music cd,  a gift certificate for a massage, etc

7-Thou shalt not forget other family members who may need a little extra TLC during the trial as well.  You can invite kids over for playdates or outings and bring siblings small gifts to let them know that they are not forgotten.  You can invite the adults out for lunch dates, or for their favorite activities (golf, shopping, fishing, taking a walk), or just lend a listening ear. 

8-Thou shalt remember that each person's trial is uniquely theirs.   Be cautious quoting them stats (good or bad), or telling them stories about people who didn't make it, or even people that did make it.   You'd be shocked at how often we hear someone casually throw out, "Oh my mom died of leukemia," as a conversation starter.  We are fully aware that people die from what they have and we don't need to hear your horror stories (unless we ask you specifically).  Conversely, telling us rosy stories of other people's easy, side-effect-free triumphs over leukemia (almost always talking about the more common, less aggressive type of childhood leukemia than Spencer has) is also discouraging.   Each person's disease or trial is uniquely theirs and stats for that individual are 100% vs 0%.  Treatment works or it doesn't.  (note:  it's okay to pass along the contact info for someone who's been through a similar trial just in case they ever want to talk, but don't force the connection.  I did eventually want to connect with other parents of kids with AML, but it was something I sought out on my own when I was ready). 

9-Thou shalt not let the idea of perfection get in the way of reaching out.  Sure, in an ideal world you'd prefer  to find the perfectly beautiful card or to bake a fancy cake or to compile a cute gift basket, but life is life and  it's far better to not let the moment slip by.   It can be as simple as sending a quick email saying that you're thinking of them,  or chatting with them on the phone, or dropping by for a quick visit and a hug, or just commenting on their blog.  :)

and last but not least....


10-Thou shalt be positive and encouraging.  We never grow weary of people telling us that you're praying for us.   Or that we've been on their minds.  Or that they think Spencer is awesome.   Or that they like my haircut.   We thrive on just knowing that you care. 

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"Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me."   Matthew 25:40

Trials Make Us Stronger FHE Lesson

It's been a while since I posted a lesson here, but I wanted to take this opportunity to check in and share this new lesson that is very applicable to our lives right now.  I don't know how many of you check in on my family blog,  but on January 10th our oldest son (16) was diagnosed with an aggressive form of leukemia (AML) and he has spent almost every day since then in the hospital undergoing heavy duty chemo.   To say that it's been a challenging year so far would be an understatement and I hope you'll understand why I am often unable to respond to my emails right now.    He is currently in his third round of chemo and so far is responding well to treatment, but with as aggressive as it is, we potentially still have a long road in front of us.  We have felt God's love and support through this trial and this family home evening lesson was very meaningful to us.   We especially enjoyed the visualization of the paper airplane object lesson. 

TRIALS MAKE US STRONGER
Lesson by Donna Cummings, Digitized by Lara Goold

Suggested Songs:
"Dare to Do Right,"  Children's songbook, page 158
"Quickly I'll Obey," Children's Songbook, page 197
"Seek the Lord Early,"  Children's Songbook, page 108

Lesson Purpose:  To help family members realize the importance of opposition and adversity in our lives. 

PREPARATION: 
1.  Prepare word strips with the following words:  Day, Night, Freedom, Captivity, Dark, Light, Little, Big, Up, Down, Create, Destroy, Mother, Father, Righteousness, Wickedness, Sister, Brother, Sorrow, Joy, True, False
2.  Gather paper for paper airplanes.  You may also want to practice folding a few paper airplanes prior to the start of FHE. (for object lesson).  Here's a website with some cool airplane patterns. 
3.  Prayerfully study 2 Nephi 2:11-30
4.  Prayerfully study Doctrine and Covenants 122

OPENING PRAYER:

LESSON:   Display the word strips randomly on the floor or table.  Have family members take turns finding pairs of opposites. 

After the activity, read 2 Nephi 2:11 and share with your family the thoughts and feelings you had as you studied the verses previously.  Be sure to point out the fact that opposition was present even in the beginning (verse 15).  Explain that in order for us to have free agency, both good and evil has to exist (verse 16).  Discuss verses 22-25 to help your family understand that opposition is essential in order for Heavenly Father's plan to be fulfilled.  Conclude the discussion by reading verse 27 and emphasizing the fact that we are free to choose for ourselves between good (liberty) and evil (captivity).   

Show this picture of Joseph Smith.  
(click to make larger and print or right click to copy and paste into a word document, so you can change the size)

Discuss:  Opposition can also make us stronger.and relate the story of Joseph Smith found in D&C 122.  Explain that according to the Lord, every trial he endured was for his own good and gave him experience.  God was always with him and will remain with him forever. 

The trials we face in our lives may be different than Joseph Smith's, but they are for our own good and give us experience.  God will likewise, be with us as we seek him. 

OBJECT LESSON:  To demonstrate how trials can actually make us stronger, hold up a flat piece of paper and try to make if "fly" through the air.  Point out how poorly the paper flies.  Now begin folding and creasing the paper into an airplane.  Explain as you fold the paper that each crease represents a trial (mention possible {or current} trials as you fold).  With each fold (trial) the paper becomes strong until eventually it can fly through the air gracefully.  Our lives are very similar.  Just like the folds make the paper stronger, trials make us stronger.  Some of our trials may seem at the time, but Heavenly Father is always mindful of us.  Each trial that we endure brings greater strength and experience into our lives. 

ACTIVITY:  Pass out paper to everyone and have fun making paper airplanes.  Have a contest to see whose plane flies the farthest, fastest, highest, etc. 

CLOSING PRAYER:  


REFRESHMENTS:    Reese's Rice Krispy Treats formed into airplane shapes. 

Lara's Christmas Book Review

Just thought you might be interested in my Christmas Book Review.  (complete with photos and links).
Check it out! 

Best Family Games

Recently our family was having a grumpy day.  Some kids were pouting. Others were being snippity with each other.  And even my husband and I were starting to fall in with the negativity.   The saddest part about it, was that it was Sunday, a day when those feelings should be far away.   

A walk outside took the edge off, as did some dinner and dessert.  But we still had a long ways to go to get in the right frame of mind again. 

So after dinner we pulled out a new game my daughter had gotten for her birthday (Pit).
 
Look how excited my family is...

(In case you're not familiar with my humor, the excited comment was sarcastic)

 Playing games has been an important bonding experience in our family over the years and so it shouldn't have surprised me that it didn't take long before the negativity had dissipated and everyone was laughing again.  It may sound weird, but I felt like that spontaneous game night helped bring the spirit back into our home. 

I've been thinking about that night and how playing board games truly is a part of our collective family memories and so I  decided to write up a post sharing some of our favorite games and a few tips for making game nights a successful experience. 

Tip #1--Keep it light-hearted.  We are all pretty competitive in our family, so it's easy for us to start getting cutthroat.  The kids will take their cues from the parents, but we've noticed that when we keep our frustration in check, they do better as well.  Additionally, we have found that a  little self-deprecating humor is a good tension diffuser.  

Tip #2--Focus on the positive.  Complement good moves and even positive attitude.  In the Pit game above, one of my daughters was having the worst luck, never winning a single round.  We made it a point to complement her positivity and held her up as an example of being a good sport.  That example helped us in a lot of future games..."Remember when Cami had negative one-hundred and forty points and still had fun and kept a smile on her face?..." 

Tip #3--Be sensitive to building frustration and try to nip it in the bud.  In our family, a little silliness goes a long way in diffusing these situations.  We'll start bragging about the bad hands we've had and reminisce about the time we lost the game in grand style and in general just keep reminding everyone that we all win some and we all lose some.   If worse comes to worse, end the game night early (without blaming anyone) before bad feelings erupt.  Better to have a mostly positive, albeit short game night, than one that turns into tears and fighting. 

Tip #4--Involve young children even if they're too young to actually play.  Young children love to feel a part of the family dynamics, so we try to include them whenever we can.  Make young children the button pushers, bell ringers, dice throwers, card distributors, game piece movers...whatever they can do to feel a part of the game without actually playing.   Often we'll let the little one(s) choose which "team" they want to be on, then have them do all of the "work" except the strategy.   Usually they'll lose interest after a while and I think that just being in the room with a family that's having fun will make it a good experience for them. 

Tip #5--Mix things up.   My family often gets in the mode of playing the same game over and over again, but I find it helpful to make sure we mix things up with our game choices.    It seems like after a while of playing the same game, one person starts to feel like they always lose or that so and so doesn't do it right, etc.  When we change games, it gives other kids a chance to win and to play on their strengths. 

And here is a list of our favorite family games, where {almost} everyone in the family can play:

Ticket To Ride
The purpose of this game is to collect colored track cards and build train tracks from destination to destination.  It's great for basic geography skills and it's a pretty easy game to learn.  And my kids love the fact that they have an equal chance of winning as an adult.  Ages 8-Adult. 




Pit
This classic game takes 2 minutes to learn and was one the whole family loved.   It's pretty lively and definitely more fun with more people (3-8 players).  Beware, it can get loud. 





UNO Attack!
It's the same as Uno, except when you need to draw a card, you press a button and the machine spits cards out at you....sometimes 1 or 2 and sometimes 7 or 8.  The only problem with this game is that my kids enjoy pressing the button so much, that they never want to win, which can make the game very long.  :)





Rummikub
This one takes some simple strategy skills, but I've found that kids can pick this one up pretty quickly.  I usually end up helping the younger ones when they get stuck, but it is a fun one for kids and adults (2-4 players).




Rollick
This lively game is great for big groups.   A variation on charades, the whole team acts the clues out while one person guesses.  Much laughter and silliness ensues whenever we play this game.





Blokus Classics Game
I'm not usually that good at games that involve good spatial skills, but this is one I can occasionally win, although I do get beaten by my 9-year-old pretty regularly.  The box brags about all the awards its won and that it promotes good brain activity...so it's a game that makes you smarter while you're having fun. 

We also enjoy playing Scrabble, Boggle, Chess, and Settlers of Catan, but find they're mostly for the older kids or adults. 

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What about you?  Does your family enjoy playing games?  What are some of your favorites? 

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Enough

"Parenting toddlers is a handful, but parenting teenagers is a heartful." 

I heard this quote in a relief society lesson right when I was muddling my way through piles of poopy diapers, tantrums, and one of those let's-see-how-many-messes-I-can-make-in-one-day phases.  It seemed nearly impossible that any future aspect of parenting could be any more draining than those exhausting days, but despite my doubts, the quote has stuck with me through all these years. 

Now, several years later I find myself at the  beginning edge of my parenting teen years and I am starting to understand that quote firsthand!   My teenagers are good kids, but I'm finding this whole gaining independence phase of life as completely and totally exhausting...physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  Somehow, any crazy antic they did as young children didn't seem nearly so important or life altering as the decisions they're facing now. 

I wonder every day which battles are worth fighting.  Some are easy, like shaggy hair, messy rooms, or wearing funky (but modest) clothes.    No problem (mostly).    But what about the things that might matter?  Things like texting a lot.   Or annoying their siblings constantly.  Or  being totally lazy about doing their chores.  Or other normal things that teenagers do, like spending more time with friends and less time at home.  Inside I know this is normal, but still I can't really breathe easily until everyone's safe at home every night.  And even when we all are,  it just seems that with all the electronic media,  that our home simply isn't  quite  the safe haven that it was when I was a kid.  We have strong filters on our internet, computers in public places, parental controls on our televisions, picture texting disabled on the cell phones, but I worry that despite our efforts,  that the garbage is still there....on their friends' facebook walls,  in their text messages.  And scariest of all to me,  what about when they're at their friends' houses?  We've discovered, that even in the church, most parents simply do not feel as strongly as we do about internet safety. 

Short of locking everyone away in a dark room without access to the outside, I feel like we're at the stage of parenting our teens that we just have to keep on keeping with scripture study, family home evenings, and keeping an open line of communication with them,  then just trust and pray that our efforts to teach and lead them over the course of their lives have been enough.  Enough for them to be able to shun the evil before them.  Enough to be able to recognize and seek after the peaceful feelings that the spirit brings.  Enough so that one day we will be able to say that,  "in due time we can report to our Heavenly Father in His celestial home that we are all there - father, mother, sister, brother. . . . Each chair is filled. We are all back home."     (The Teachings of Ezra Taft Benson, page 493.)

That would be enough for me.